Now I’m certain I forgot to take my anti-depressant yesterday because today I feel like curling up in a corner and crying. So today is a good day to write about it.
I have been on an anti-depressant for one year in January. It has changed my life.
I suspect I am one of those people for whom “brain medicine” (as I affectionately call it) should have been a part of my life since childhood. I have always been subject to panic attacks, extreme defeatism and morbidity, and other fun stuff. I am also one of those people who falls into the laughable category of “highly functional.”
I still laugh when I read that phrase. As far as I can tell “highly functional” means you are falling apart on the inside. A crusty, rusty shell of a person that still manages to go to work and just barely not die.
I stopped functioning highly the day I cried when I waking up, all the way to work, and two hours into my work day. Then, I walked into my boss’s office and told her I needed to go to the doctor. Right now.
I don’t know why this stuff works. Maybe I just found the right brand/dosage combo. Maybe I finally gave myself permission to feel good. Maybe the pharmacists give me sugar pills after they invoke prayers to Satan and all things dark and evil over their bloody altar in the back. Maybe this is straight-up poison that will cut my life in half.
I do not care. On this medicine I feel like my life is worth living.
Sometimes, I wonder if there is a kind of implied one-stop healing mentality in the yoga world. “Just do yoga and all your problems will be solved!” kinda thing. I was doing yoga 4-6 days a week when my mental illness (yup, I dropped that one) hit so hard I could not do yoga. When you feel so sad you can’t get up, yoga can’t help you.
The point is: ask for help if something doesn’t feel right. There is the possibility of feeling better. If you feel you are dealing with a mental illness, YOU DESERVE TO FEEL BETTER. I share all the gory details because I want others to feel as if they can ask for help. And heck, feel proud and confident to do it!
“Use only that which works, and take it from any place you can find it.”